Posted by: jspiegel | June 8, 2009

#37: Hangovers


While the hangover itself is an experience that the unemployed are most equipped to combat, ironically they experience them at a much less rate than employed individuals.  The employed person will spend much of his or her out-of-office time (and perhaps some of their time in the office as well) knocking back Grandpa’s old cough syrup to forget about their hellish existence in mediocrity employment.  This, however, is no match for the amount of time the unemployed have to build up their own levels of tolerance, and as such, they will always have much greater stamina to combat alcohol’s nasty side effects (Note: this is not to be to confused with the disease of alcoholism, to which unemployed people stand a far greater chance of obtaining).  Should the unemployed person have an unusual occurrence of drinking more than he or she can handle, their lack of responsibility, obligation, and purpose in the world will leave them best-suited to nurse their pounding headache and jostled inner-ear balance by spending the next day in bed.  Such a tactic most often eludes those with jobs as it would require them to go in late, or call in sick– both tell tale signs that yesterday’s off-duty activities did not consist of putting in extra hours at the office.

Unemployed people can almost always immerse themselves in their hangover free of guilt and worry, whereas the employed person is damned any day of the week.  A hangover during a weeknight is usually followed with a day filled with low productivity and a closed office door aimlessly watching YouTube clips until five o’clock.  For the unemployed, that very same activity of watching video clips on the internet is considered creative thinking.  The weekends offer up the same sort of guilt trip for folks with jobs as their allotted two days off come with urgency to be active and not waste away their weekends.  Since every day is a weekend for the unemployed, Saturdays and Sundays are viewed no different to pursue (or more often, not pursue) any type of bender-induced venture they so choose with the fear of a hangover nowhere on their radar screen.

It’s an undisputed fact that excessive drinking is a viable and logical solution to many of the problems we are faced with today.  Whether it is problems at the office, a marriage on the rocks, or trouble with your parents who are angry at you for “using their credit card to order pornography”, all such misgivings can be drowned and forgotten with copious amounts of alcohol.  Of course, the one drawback in which most individuals are impervious to its wrath, is the dreaded hangover experienced the next day.  However, if you are unemployed, the hangover becomes just another weapon in your arsenal of excuses for another day filled with lethargy and languor.


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