Posted by: jspiegel | May 18, 2009

#29: Sitting On a Stoop

Today’s liberal media has romanticized the act of sitting on a stoop.  They would have you believe that it is meant for casual lounging or for perhaps contemplative introspection.  If you are looking for deep soul-searching go climb the top of a mountain.  But, since you are unemployed, you cannot afford the expensive climbing gear anyways.  Besides, being unemployed has left you with limited motor skills and an impaired ability for logic and reason (other than deciding whether you want Chicken or Beef-flavored Ramen).  That being said, the act of stoop sitting is one that the unemployed should take the time to fully understand and appreciate.

One of the more famous stoops is that of the television character "Carrie" from Sex in the City.  It's astounding how iconic this physical landmark has become especially when it belongs to the character of an actress who looks like a foot.

One of the more famous stoops is that of the television character "Carrie" from Sex in the City. It's astounding how iconic this physical landmark has become especially when it belongs to the character of an actress who looks like a foot.

First off, remember that to sit on a stoop is to be in the public eye.  Sure it is a fun activity to sit on a stoop, but when people walk by you don’t just want to be “sitting” on a stoop.  You should provide some entertainment for your neighbors and onlookers.  The stoop allows itself to be combined with other unemployed activities such as a hobby or shouting out a catch-phrase (“Why don’t you take a picture?  It will last longer!”).  People don’t just want to see you pondering your meaningless existence and you are obviously not contributing anything society that warrants a steady paycheck, so why not bring a little excitement into peoples lives?  You could juggle some bowling pins or read out loud some of your favorite Shakespearean passages in the hopes that people mistake you for a “starving artist”.

It doesn’t need to be all about them of course.  You should feel free to entertain yourself on your stoop and turn the tables on the passerbys that you encounter.   Shouting outrageous claims or obscenities, preferably in a foreign language if you know one, will be enough to turn some heads.  If you own any firearms it is perfectly acceptable to do your own “Gran Turino” reanactment by telling folks in your best Clint Eastwood voice to, ‘Get off my lawn!’  They will be so impressed with your creativity they won’t even think to question the fact they are not on your lawn, and that there is probably not even any grass for them to step on.

One does not always need to sit on a stoop alone.  In today’s economy, you are bound to have a friend or two who is in the same jobless situation as you are.  What better way to cultivate your friendship with a couple of afternoon beverages and some nice stoop sitting.  This special time between the two of you, while the rest of world slaves away, is a rare opportunity for you to gossip about the others in your social circle as well as laughing at ignorance of both your respective state government for allowing you to sponge off of them, as well as the rest of your friends for not also taking advantage of the system.  This also is a good time for the two of you to discuss all of the grand plans you have with all of your free time, but will actually never get around to doing.  Still, it is nice to have imaginary goals.

So, the next time you see someone just sitting on a stoop, doing nothing.  Be sure to yell out to them to “Show me the money!”  Odds are they’ll let out a hefty laugh and respond back, “Hey!  That’s supposed be my line!”

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