Posted by: jspiegel | May 8, 2009

#25: Show Up to a New Job

As has been previously mentioned, occasionally the day-to-day repetition of joblessness will wear on you and you will long for safe and familiar feeling of structured employment.  Provided you have already been barred from the premises of your former office, you will need to seek out new surroundings for you to settle in as you prepare to rejoin the working world.  Even if you technically do not have a new job.

Much like showing up to your old job, showing up to new place of employment should be done with great care, but also with a high level of confidence.  Remember, no one is more qualified for this make-believe position.

Do as George Constanza does.  Show up for work, even if you don't have the job.

Do as George Constanza does. Show up for work, even if you don't have the job.

Be certain to exude poise and aplomb right from the get go.  Do not express reticence or uncertainty by asking the receptionist where you should go.  Take some time to familiarize yourself with your surroundings and find a deserted office or cubicle, preferably one on the lower levels where you will have less chance of being noticed.

While it is important for you to not attract too much attention, it is certainly appropriate to allow yourself to be heard.  Feel free to pretend to talk on the phone while speaking at an elevated volume about fake reports and non-existent clients.  Key phrases like “The Bottom Line” and “Profit Margins” are sure to help you gain wanted attention towards your imaginary efforts.

When it comes to socializing, you should again act as if you are a re an office regular.  Offering up casual, but sullen, commentary about the “sludge that passes off as coffee” or your “pathetic excuse for a paycheck” is bound to spark feelings of empathy with other malcontent employees who will soon invite you into their circle of discontent.  It’s always nice to have new friends.

On occasion someone in upper management may actually identify you as a legitimate employee, and proceed to throw a wrench in your normal routine of browsing pornography and eating Cheez-Its, by requesting you perform a work-related task for them.  Should this occur, immediately ask if this task is being delegated to you because you are black (this works even better if you are not black).  Your fake supervisor will become so confused and flustered that he or she will immediately assign the task to someone else in an effort to avoid a potential racial incident.

Maybe you never interviewed well.  Perhaps your resume could have been more well-written.  Suppose you simply just like the idea of receiving weekly checks from the government for doing absolutely nothing.  Whatever the reason is securing employment can be very difficult.  But that should not ever stop you from enjoying a hard day of imaginary work at your dream job.


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