Posted by: jspiegel | May 7, 2009

#24: Stalking

Sitting at home with nothing to do, the unemployed person might wonder what the rest of their friends are up to.  Constantly.  Every minute.  Luckily, todays technology allows stalking to quickly become a staple in the unemployeds daily routine.

The term “Stalking”, has changed in its definition over the years, although the act itself is not any less voyeuristic or creepy.  With the steady rise of social utility applications such as Facebook and Twitter (currently the only two relevant applications), any individual can quickly tap into the profile of an individual who is their friend.  Like the term stalking, the definition of a “friend” has altered.  No longer are your friends constituted as individuals whom you confide in, socialize with, or engage on any kind of human level.  A friend now is defined as someone who will accept you as someone who is permitted to examine their profile in an effort to boost their own confidence by having a growing number of “friends”.  No actual communication is necessary, or preferred, in these new digital friendships.

Also within these profiles are “status updates” which can offer up a brief sentence or two, allowing the user to be as open or as private as their comfort level allows.

And no one likes to examine their friends current status more than the unemployed.

Since being unemployed, you can check up on the rest of the world.  They have got to be doing something more interesting than you.

Since being unemployed, you can check up on the rest of the world. They have got to be doing something more interesting than you.

As mentioned, the “status update” offers a glimpse into the life of your friend.  It also lets you check up on other unemployed people who, since they have no other real purpose, are the most frequent updates of their own status.  Ironically, their lives are also and you may find yourself bored of these people are learning that they are on their 3rd consecutive episode of Judge Judy.

Being unemployed, you can constantly check up on your friends in the working world as well.  Is Suzie “really wishing it was 5:00 right about now” or is Chris “Regretting the massive hangover” while he is at work?  It’s all up in the air!  Ultimately, you may become bored with the status updates of employed people as their updates will normally be reserved for early morning and late afternoons.  The diamonds in the rough occur in the forms of the employed people who either have an interesting story to tell (such as a former employee showing up to work anyways), or who simply do not care about their job and spend all their time updating their status with their tales of disgruntled bitterness.  Unfortunately these amusing sob statuses last only until their boss catches wind and that individual becomes a simple, uninteresting unemployed person such as yourself.

Should you grow weary of the constant refreshing of your home page, there are many other exercises for you to undertake as you work towards a future career in rape and/or pedophilia.  Many people like to entertain their friends with photo albums containing a healthy combination of glamour shots, drinking, and cleavage so as to offer up the false opinion to you and to others that their life is actually as exciting and carefree as the photos might suggest.  Of course, being unemployed, this won’t stop you from looking at every picture of every album as you comment to no one in particular on how that girl from high school got so fat.  Remember, no one really recovers from college.

Another great companion to the unemployed are the hundreds of life-defining personality quizzes and applications.  Through the magic of science and technology people can now answer a few questions and discover “What kind of underwear are you?” or “Which washed-up child star of the 80’s would play you in the movie of your life?”.  These time-sucking, energy-draining activities prove to be life savers for the unemployed population until they take the “What job is best for you?” test and “Unemployed” ends up being the result.  It is then that they realize that simply viewing the results of others is a safer idea.

Enough reading.  Time to change your status update!



  1. […] stick it to your employed friends, lovers, and acquaintences.  By letting people know via your status update that you are off to never-never land is certain to spark feelings of jealousy along with […]

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