Posted by: jspiegel | May 5, 2009

#22: Celebrating Random Holidays

Almost every month of the calendar year possesses an obscure holiday that nobody necessarily needs to celebrate, and yet, the simple occurrence of the holiday itself is reason enough for alcoholics and college students (two sets of people not always mutually exclusive) to celebrate by drinking themselves into oblivion.  As a member of the unemployed population, you to get to join their party.

Why the sunglasses and stogie?  Because it's Tax Day, bitches!

Why the sunglasses and stogie? Because it's Tax Day, bitches!

As mentioned above, alcohol is of course a Random Holiday staple and your libation of choice should be themed accordingly.  Whether it is Car Bombs (the kind you drink) and Green Guiness for St. Patricks Day or Corona and Tequilla for Cinco de Mayo, it is important that you keep with the spirit of the occasion.

But topical beverages should not be enough.  In these instances it is deemed more than appropriate to dress for the occasion as well.  Fans of Veteran’s Day should walk around their local neighborhood dressed in old military uniforms, or participate in local parades.  Sure the old timers who really saw action in the Korean War might take offense, but fuck it: it’s a party!  Those who are fans of Columbus Day can express their pride for this holiday by dressing as any sort of famous thief, murderer, or rapist.  If you are the ambitious sort, try dressing someone who represents all three (Sorry; there are no Philip Markoff costumes available as of yet) and parade yourself around your nearest Indian reservation or casino.

Finally, it is very important that you let all of your employed friends know of your festive activities.  Consistently update your Facebook profile throughout the day.  Each status update should get more illegible with each posting, so that “Happy Arbor Day” at 9:00am will become “Hidpady Ahvnkdl Dy” by 3:00pm.  Feel free to offer them a more personal touch with such gestures such as calling them on Flag Day and continously blasting “Proud to be an American” or showing up to their office on Martin Luther King Day and reciting the “I Have A Dream” speech every hour on the hour.  You can be rest assured that looks of disgust and shame you receive are people masking their jealousy.

While every day of an unemployed’s life is free of responsibility, obligation, and self-worth such celebratory days are a welcome change of pace and should be enjoyed to their fullest, if for no other reason than to remind the working world of their inability to participate.

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