Posted by: jspiegel | April 30, 2009

#19: Updates on the Swine Flu

There is nothing like a good ol’ fashioned pandemic (not to be confused with a “hodown” or “hootenanny”) to get the general public all riled up.  For employed people, staying up to speed on the latest developments means time away from conference calls and TPS reports.  Thankfully, they have you, the unemployed, to keep the information flowing.

During a public health scare, the unemployed’s “job” is one of high priority.  It is imperative you stay by your computer whenever possible, ready to notify friends on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Friendster, and other obsolete social utilities.  Your constant and obsessive updating of possible Swine Flu victims in states or countries thousands of miles away is of vital importance in order to keep everyone’s state of panic heightened.

The unemployed have an obligation to keep everyone notified in an effort of maintaining a mass panic similar to that of a nuclear warfare or a zombie outbreak.

The unemployed have an obligation to keep everyone notified in an effort of maintaining a mass panic similar to that of nuclear warfare or a zombie outbreak.

Although it is crucial to inform the general public of the flu’s potential to infect 0.0001% of the world’s population, reporting on statistics alone will not keep pandemonium as the status quo for long.

The unemployed must remain ever vigilant in instilling the fear of G-d.  It is recommended that you use phrases such as “mass death” and “incurable” while you keep people alert.

Be sure to also provide links to news articles from reputable news sources and religious organizations such as the Westboro Baptist Church who proclaim the Swine Flu has been brought on by homosexuality (they haven’t said this yet, but they will).  As the world has yet to find someone or something to blame for this current crisis, it is easiest for everyone if the finger is pointed to one secularized group of minorities.

If utilizing the information super-highway is not enough to cause mass riots, than the unemployed must take extra steps.  Public displays of infection would be considered an appropriate measure.  This would include walking around in a congested area while sneezing and/or coughing without covering your mouth.  Another alternative would be to cover your mouth while you sneeze or cough and then proceed to pat a random stranger on the back.  As always, random acts of touching, hugging, kissing, and groping are strongly encouraged and will have people running for the nearest public restroom.

Although the world is in crisis, it presents opportunity for the unemployed to make a real difference.  Only through excessive media hype, confirmations of irrational fears, and endless gallons of hand sanitizer will we prevail.



  1. BIG fan of this post. Its all you hear about these days. Thanks for doing your part!

  2. updates on swine?! i have to fly tonight!

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