Posted by: jspiegel | April 29, 2009

#18: Mall Walking

Mall walking is an activity that is usually reserved for individuals looking to seek a unique form of exercise.  The unemployed person gets a distinct advantage should they choose to take up this progressive approach of aimlessly wandering around shopping centers.

Unemployed people wishing to mall walk will find that malls are significantly less inhabited during the work week.  During this time you are free to enjoy your time of solitude and window-shopping.  While you may be limited to actual purchases, the unemployed can still find many exciting and fun-filled advantages to mall walking:

There's nothing more frustrating during your mall walk than old people who still think they are releveant.

There's nothing more frustrating during your mall walk than old people who still think they are relevant.

– The food court will always be close to empty ridding you of waiting in pesky lines.  You will also be able to take full advantage of the free samples being handed out.  Enough of these tasty treats and you will have your lunch.

– The massage chairs will always be open for you to relax for five minutes while enjoying an artificial rubdown.  Coins for these contraptions may be obtained by subtly inserting your hand into the nearest wishing fountain or quickly examining the contents of the nearest elderly person’s wallet.  Old people always keep change.

– You will never have to wait in lines for dressing rooms as you envision yourself in expensive and lavish clothing.  Unless you have been medically diagnosed with kleptomania, or have mastered the art of thievery, limit this activity.

– You will always have unlimited time to hone your chops on the free demos of Guitar Hero.  Possessing this unique skill will serve you well at parties in the homes of employed people who can afford to buy it as it will distract them while they seemingly wonder what exactly it is you do with yourself all day.

You may find that, while walking, there is the occasional elderly person that gets in your way.  This is the senior citizen’s feeble attempt at staying healthy while trying desperately to remain present and active in today’s general population.  Feel free to bring them back down to reality by firmly pushing them aside.  Their trip to the ground (and possibly emergency room) will remind them of their place in the world.

The mall walk is certainly a great way to get you out of the house.  However, unless you plan on treating yourself, unemployed mall walkers should stay clear of actually going into many stores.  Continuous repetition of this act might actually tempt you to buy something.  Should you encounter yourself justifying such a fantasy, walk briskly to the nearest ATM kiosk.  Your $0 balance should quickly extinguish such delusions.


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