Posted by: jspiegel | April 16, 2009

#10: Plan Your Finances

Planning out your finances is the smart and mature thing to do regardless of your job status.  For the unemployed, however, making a smart and practical budget can be the difference between being broke, and being really-dead-ass, living-in-a-cardboard-box-potentially-soliciting-your-girlfriend’s body-for-money-even-though-it’s-against-her-moral-standards-but-who-the-fuck-cares-what-she-says-she’s-just-a-woman broke.

With some smart planning and conservative budgeting, you won't have to have your significant other resort to selling her body...I mean, unless she's into that kind of thing...that might be cool...

With some smart planning and conservative budgeting, you won't have to have your lady other resort to selling her body...I mean, unless she's into that...that could be kind of cool...

Although the same principles apply between employed budgeting and unemployed budgeting, is that as an unemployed individual, you have the added bonus of consistently watching your bank account get smaller and smaller.  Thus, constant re-examining of your budget must take place.

It is important to always allocate funding for the essential items.  Rent (if you have a mortgage, be sure to grab some contraception because you’re fucked), food, alcohol, drugs, and online pornography subscriptions would all fall under this category.  Any other items (automobiles, utilities, clothes, charitable donations, a birthday present for your dying mother, etc.) are to be considered luxuries and, as such, should fall by the wayside.

As your monetary funds deplete, so will the quality level of these essential items.  While early on in your unemployment you may have dined on prime rib and red wine, you will eventually need to become accustomed to Ramen Noodles and Schlitz Malt Liquor.

Eventually, you will begin to notice it increasingly difficult to meet payments for even the necessities.  Be prepared to receive notices from bill collectors.  Any notices received by mail can immediately be tossed in the trash (since when is anything sent by mail considered “official?).  You will soon begin to become familiar with the bill collectors who call you.  This gives you a terrific opportunity to make some new friends and get to know the wonderful people who are out to claim all of your worldly possessions.

"Oh hey, Bill.  What's that?  My house is going up for auction?  Interesting.  So how's the family?"

"Oh hey, Bill. What's that? My house is going up for auction? Interesting. So how's the family?"

At some point, the magic carpet ride will come to an end and bankruptcy will need to be declared.  Do not let this discourage you.  They are doing wonderful things with soup kitchens and shelters.  Thankfully, Americans not only consider the homeless as positive contributors to society, but also as model citizens for hygiene and sobriety.

Until that day comes, plan your money wisely so you can enjoy your freedloading days…while they last.

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