Posted by: jspiegel | April 15, 2009

#9: Show Up to Your Old Job

Every now and then, you will miss your old job.  Like any long-term relationship, you had a lot of memories and a lot of paychecks. While being unemployed does not entitle you to the latter, why not help to heal the wounds by simply pretending you never lost your job.

Until the restraining order comes, you are not barred from the premises, so why not take this opportunity to settle back into your old routines and reconnect with some office acquaintances.  There is really no science to it.  Pull into your office parking lot, walk in the front door, greet your receptionist and head on down to your office.  Should your office be occupied by a new employee simply find an open office or cubicle and get ready to begin your day as a make-believe worker!

Things may seem odd at first; you have been on vacation for quite some time.  Relax, have your morning Cup O’ Joe, and you’ll settle right back in.

At first, folks walking by your office might seem a bit inquisitive, even startled.  If casual office banter seems awkward for you at first,  pretend to be heavily engrossed in an imaginary pile of paperwork, or act like you’re on the phone.  For good measure, you can turn to people and roll your eyes while pointing to the phone as if the make-believe person on the other end is really busting your chops.

Once you have spent a couple of hours getting some real work done, you’re ready to do an office stroll.  Now is a good time to pop into your co-workers offices for some casual back-and-forth.  Be sure to act as if nothing has happened and offer up menial, unnoticeable forms of conversation such as the score of last night’s sporting event, or inquiring if the whore from marketing is still parting her legs like the red sea.

During these exchanges, if anyone asks what you are doing there, a standard disgruntled yet witty response is appropriate such as: “I ask myself that every day on my commute to this hellhole”.   Employed people appreciate work-related bitterness and your quip will be met with general laughter and jubilation.

Getting along with your colleagues is a very important part of happiness in any workplace, even if you don't work there anymore.

Getting along with your colleagues is a very important part of happiness in any workplace, even if you don't work there anymore.

Should there be a Nosey Parker in the ranks who has the nerve to ask: “Weren’t you fired?” simply ignore his or her outlandish claim by looking at your watch and proclaiming you have “A two-o-clock” and run faster then immediate family runs away from Christian Bale.

While you might not have any set meetings in your fantasy schedule, it would not hurt to sit in on a pow-wow or two just to get see how things have been running.  When the meeting takes place walk into the conference room and take a seat up front so folks know you’re serious about paying attention.  Be sure to ask questions and offer insightful commentary whenever you can.  If you were in a managerial role and had the responsibility of running said meeting, be sure to point to someone at the beginning and ask them to bring you up to speed before you all get down to business.

Eventually, the day will come to an end or an H.R. representative will come with two armed security officers looking to escort you off the property.  As you leave and/or fight your way out of the building be sure to let everyone know that you will be at the local watering hole after work.  There’s nothing more satisfying when griping about your day then over half-price drinks.

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Responses

  1. “I ask myself that every day on my commute to this hellhole”. Employed people appreciate work-related bitterness and your quip will be met with general laughter and jubilation.

    I almost spit my coffee out when I read that, so funny. Great job with the blog!

  2. […] the rough occur in the forms of the employed people who either have an interesting story to tell (such as a former employee showing up to work anyways), or who simply do not care about their job and spend all their time updating their status with […]

  3. […] like showing up to your old job, showing up to new place of employment should be done with great care, but also with a high level […]


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