Posted by: jspiegel | April 15, 2009

#8: Sit in a Coffeehouse

"I hate the white man.  He makes me feel so oppressed.  The white man should die."  Jamal worked on that Haiku all week!

"I hate the white man. He makes me feel so oppressed. The white man should die." Jamal worked on that Haiku all week!

Despite all the awesomeness available to you, the unemployed, there is bound to be a lot of downtime.  Provided you have not yet been evicted this is most commonly spent in your place of residence.  Eventually after two, maybe three hours, you will want to change up the scenery of your freeloading existence.

There are many places you could spend your time, though none is better suited for the unemployed then the coffeehouse.

While these cafes were formerly reserved as outposts for eclectics and beatniks, they have since surged in popularity becoming regular hot spots that stimulate all the senses with the smell of espresso beans and the sweet sounds of anti-white racism otherwise known as “poetry slams”.

For the unemployed, sitting in a coffeehouse requires little to no effort and offers a multitude of activities.

First, you should select an establishment that is overpriced and trendy.  A local indie cafe in your neighborhood or the omnipresent Starbucks will suffice.  Next you will want to find a comfortable place to sit.  Preferably you should try to get a place by the window so all of the people walking by will see you and notice how hip and progressive you are.  It’s also a terrific location to enjoy the age-old pastime of people watching.

If you like, you can bring a book or laptop.  This will add to your intellectual mystique as people will glance over wondering if you are brushing up on your knowledge of existentialism, or writing the next draft of your soon-to-be-published novel.

The important thing to realize is that these ancillary products are props only.  If you all of a sudden do get the urge  to read up on Friedrich Nietzsche or all of a sudden receive divine inspiration for a great American masterpiece, head directly to the nearest convenience store and ask the clerk which aisle the feminine hygiene products are located because you are a douche bag.

This is not to say that you will not encounter a likely contestant for America’s Next Top Author.  Should Mark Twain be sitting nearby, nothing will affect his concentration (and humor you) more than occasional but outrageous commentary on your make-believe novel.  Brief outbursts such as “No no no!  This character’s arc is so flawed!”  or “I put the climax before the rising action what was I thinking!!” are bound to grab the attention of Mr. Pulitzer.  For a challenge, attempt these outrageous claims while he sips on his triple-mocha latte.  If you’re lucky he might choke on it.

No matter how you slice it, a coffeehouse is a great way to pass the time and make some new friends.  Don’t worry about the overpriced drinks; you can’t afford them anyways.

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