Posted by: jspiegel | April 14, 2009

#7: Go For a Walk


The simple act of going for a walk might be one of the easiest and satisfying activities for the unemployed.  For one thing, walking to your respective destination should you be so inclined to have one, takes up more time than getting into your fancy horseless carriage or buying a ticket for the futuristic underground train.  It also may be used as a form of physical activity so even if you are walking aimlessly, there is still an objective that has been met.

While simple walking without a purpose is all well and good, this is an activity that can be done a number of different ways in a variety of locations.  Here are some examples:

* The Power Walk – Commonly seen on city sidewalks, the power walk can often be mistaken as a retard walking in a marching band without an instrument (and they have exercise clothes on instead of a band uniform but hey, they’re retarded).  Recommended for unemployed people who have previous marching band experience or who like to kill two unemployed birds with one stone as the power walk can also be considered as a form of exercise.

* The Leisurely Stroll – Good for any type of location, this relaxed, care-free, type of walk takes up even more time in the day of the unemployed, and as such, is a fan favorite.  Some added mannerisms such as whistling, snapping to an unknown beat, or casually flipping a coin in the air are bound to turn the heads of passersby.  Should you notice someone mimicking this style of walk, be sure to go up to them and ask if they currently have a job.  If they answer yes, the appropriate response is to kick them in the region of their genitals and take the coin they were currently flipping along with any other money they might have on them.  You need it more than them anyways.

* The Potpourri Walk – Here you can let creativity be your guide.  Maybe you want to walk aimlessly, staggering around like a drunk?  Dress up a homeless person.  Are you already homeless?  Then you should have suitable clothes for the part.  Maybe you want to bring your pet with you.  Don’t own a pet?  Just bring a leash and start running real fast trying to catch up with your imaginary dog, all the while yelling “Trouble at the Old Mill!”  Or possibly just walking real slowly with a simple grin on your face shaking your head while people walk by mumbling, “They’ll never prove it was me and they’ll never find that dirty hooker.”  The possibilities are endless!

There are many different kinds of walking and all can be done in a number of different places.  As an unemployed person, it is recommended that you try as many different combinations as possible, because, let’s be honest; are you really going to trouble fitting it into your busy schedule?

Henry David Thoreau went on walks every day while he lived at Walden Pond.  If ever there was an unemployed role model to look up to.  So as you prepare to journey into nature and abandon your tax-paying obligations, think about going for a walk outside now, the summer sun’s calling your name.


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