Posted by: jspiegel | April 13, 2009

#6: Cry

Every now and again, if you are unemployed, odds are you will be in need of a good cry.

Females members of the unemployed tribe might wholeheartedly agree with this activity and applaud the recognition of the attempt to get in touch with the roots of ones feelings.  Masculine readers might take one look at this suggested ritual and immediately shrug it off, while muttering to themselves that they’re “tougher than that” and casually throw around words like “pussy” and “fag”.  Ironically, these are the same macho men who openly wept at the end of “Rudy”.

It does not matter your gender, or level of mental constitution.  Although every effort is made to promote new and exciting opportunities to take up time during the day, the life of an unemployed person can be hard and it can be trying.  Sometimes, you just need to let the tears flow and the snot fly.

When George W. fucked up this country real bad, he let himself have a good cry.  I bet he feels a whole better about the situation now.

When George W. fucked up this country real bad, he let himself have a good cry. I bet he feels a whole lot better about the situation now.

Now that you realize it is socially acceptable to break down and blubber like a fat kid with no cake, it is almost important to know the proper steps and guidelines to “Having a good cry”.

First, make sure the appropriate amount of time has passed since your last “bawl-out” session.  Too soon and people will think you’re a little bitch (some will regardless but you can use that as something to cry about).  Too much lapsed time and you run the risk of internalizing and turning your cry-fest into a get-revenge-on-everyone-who-has-ever-wronged-you killing spree.  Why do you think those Somalian pirates are so pissed off?

Next, decide whether you want to cry alone or have someone as a witness.  If you’re an ugly, messy, crier like Claire Danes or Russell Crowe then you might want to roll solo with the sobbing.  There’s no sense in expressing your frustration and angst to someone who can’t decipher the guttural noises coming out of your mouth and nose.

Should you end up crying alone there are a number of little things that can be done to enhance the experience.  Dimming the lights accompanied by some lit candles will help to set the mood.  Furthermore, the following musical choices are some ideal examples of songs to listen to while you cry it out:





If you think you are able to cry with dignity then it is recommended a friend or significant other of the opposite sex is there for you during this difficult time, as your chances of getting sympathy sex are dramatically increased.  If the person themselves are also unemployed then you are pretty much guaranteed a free romp.

If you have a companion with you, be sure to be clear about why you are crying.  Do you feel wronged by your former company?  Did you completely blow your job interview?   Is the unemployment office still not giving you a check?  Have you run out of funds for a subscription to an adequate pornography web site?   All of these are valid reasons to let your emotions go, but getting upset for no reason is just wasting a good cry.  Like the boy who cried wolf, too many random outbursts and people will stop believing you.

Whatever way and method you choose, there is no shame in this activity.  So cry it out bitch.  I’ll bring the kleenex.



  1. […] RAM was).  It is perfectly acceptable to couple such acts of frustration venting with booze and crying to add more of a dramatic effect.  Most likely anyone witnessing your irrational display of rage […]

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