Posted by: jspiegel | April 9, 2009

#4: Road Trips


The Road Trip is a great American past-time, though in today’s economy it brings forth new meaning and is a must on the “to-do” list of the unemployed.

Although there are some shared similarities, the unemployed’s road trip is not be confused with “traveling”, usually associated with post-collegiate, affluent, white people.  While that particular community usually reserves this right of passage as a means of  “finding themselves” before they join the ranks of the real world, the unemployed have already been there and back again.  Thus, the act of the road trip serves as an escape from the day to day minutiae that unemployment can bring.

It is important to note for consideration that adding one individual from the above-mentioned category may prove beneficial, especially when monetary funds are low as it is most likely this person has their soul-searching journey being funded by outside financial supporters.

When it comes to a road trip for the unemployed, special precautions should be taken and followed with as much precision as possible.

There's nothing like blue skies and the open road to help you forget all your troubles and forget all your cares (or is that going downtown?).

There's nothing like blue skies and the open road to help you forget all your troubles and forget all your cares (or is that going downtown?).

First, only travel with other unemployed people.  The last thing any successful road-trip needs is to have someone checking their Blackberry every five minutes, or driving through the entire state of Kansas while listening to the one employed guy go on about his passive-aggressive boss.  Employed travel companions on the surface might be looking to get away but their hearts will always at their cubicles.  Such individuals should be left at the nearest gas station (but not before they chip in to fill up the tank).

It is recommended that a majority of the stops are located in suburban or regional settings.  Congested urban communities should be avoided as they are overcrowded with employed people and are very expensive.  Even if the group does contain a token “white traveler” that individual will most likely wish to avoid the cities since they are “trying to get away from civilization”.  One night visits into urban dwellings for  a concert, sporting event, casino, or brothel may be ruled as an exception.

Stops should be limited to locations where the per capita income is the lowest, along with the inhabitants intelligence level, hopes, dreams and general outlook on life.  As a safe bet, any stop between Chicago and Los Angeles should adequately meet most or all of these requirements.

If one member of the group suggests traveling to a corner in Winslow Arizona because it’s “such a fine sight to see” that person should immediately be knocked unconscious and thrown in the nearest dumpster, alleyway, or preferably a dumpster in an alleyway.

Having a visit with Ol' Orville here is just what you need to keep your spirits up.

Having a visit with Ol' Orville here is just what you need to keep your spirits up.

The vehicle itself should be large and spacious, as potential unemployed traveling companions might have a tendency to become liberal with their hygiene.  During drives longer than three hours, it is recommended to keep at least a bodies length distance at all time

Music may be selected per the tastes and pleasures of the travelers.  Be careful to avoid any potentially mood-killing songs such as “Working 9-5” or “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend”.

Finally, frequent stops at bars, country fairs, and flea markets are generally recommended as a large amount of #3 is almost certain to be taking place.

The best part about the road trip is that it can last for as long as the travelers want, or until the money runs out.  Even if the money runs out, that’s what credit card debt is for.  When it’s a road trip for the unemployed, the end can be anytime and anywhere.

So long as it’s not home.


  1. […] vacation is, of course, different from the road trip.  Whereas the impromptu automobile trek should be reserved for members of the same employment […]

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