Posted by: jspiegel | April 8, 2009

#3: Day Drinking

Most unemployed people wake up in the morning, brush their teeth, maybe do a perfunctory #2 as part of their routine.  Why not add in a bloody mary to the schedule?  Maybe a mimosa?  Why wait to have the first drink when all of the working world is just waiting for the five-o-clock whistle to do the very same thing?  As an exclusive member of society, it is the unemployed’s duty to take advantage of their eight-hour head start.

For the working stiffs, drinking during the day is an unfathomable venture, and one that is certainly frowned upon by their slave-driving employers.  There are a courageous few who will indulge in a Samuel Adams or a margarita during a birthday lunch but such frivolous behavior usually comes with a steep price if caught.    The happy, jobless, wanderer fears no such repercussions, and so a little nip from Grandpa’s liquor cabinet is sure to add some much-needed excitement to a potentially bland day.

All it takes is some sunshine and cold frosty goodness to keep these two kids happy with their place in the world.

All it takes is some sunshine and cold frosty goodness to keep these two kids in a never-ending happy hour.

Studies, arrest reports, and sexual harassment lawsuits have shown that on-the-job drinking has reportedly led to lower productivity rates, inadequate employee performance, and the occasional sexual tryst in the executive bathroom.  In light of these findings the despotic powers that be have set in place severe consequences  for their subordinates who cannot remain sober during work hours.  Fortunately, the unemployed answer to nobody except their own wants and desires (and possibly mothers whose basement they are currently occupying).  With no higher authority bounding them, they are free to have that fourth glass of chardonnay, before noon.

Now, the majority of the working class reserves this type of off-the-cuff liveliness for events that do not involve concrete forms of responsibility such as barbecues  and music concerts.  Fortunately, for the non-working class, responsibility is an obligation that was shed away along with the company car.

While the act of day-drinking alone can be all the entertainment one needs, the experienced daylight drunkard will use this activity to enhance another.  On a nice day, a well-to-do wino may want to enjoy a leisurely stroll in the park.  Having a liquor-filled flask handy certainly will make them popular amongst the local bench-dwellers.  He or she could also enjoy tickets to an afternoon ball game while partaking in as many overpriced draft beverages as they please.  It’s not as if a pesky hangover will be keeping them from “getting the job done” the next day.

Normal social conventions imply that drinking during the daylight hours constitues some sort of problem.  As a free man or woman, the only problem worth solving boils down to this: domestic, or micro-brew?



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